It is not surprising if someone feels beleaguered when an LPA is being prepared in their name. An LPA truly focusses attention on the change from independence to dependency, hardly a thing to be considered casually. So, during a life-stage when the coolest of us would already be feeling threatened by forces beyond our control, our task is to shepherd a loved one through the LPA process, as unobtrusively as possible.
In this task, our focus needs to be Independence and Confidence.
In old age and especially in very early dementia, we experience threats to our adult independence. Advancing agegives us increasingly common moments of losing our power to provide and protect, shaking our adult confidence. We react to this in various ways.
Ideally, our loved one retains insight, has thought this out already, and while bewildered, is able to knowingly grant power to a trusted relative to manage their affairs in the future, should that be necessary.
All too often, however, we face uncooperative denial, over-confidence, anger or fearful withdrawal. We are ourselves typically unprepared how to bring up the subject of LPAs, and may well dread provoking the worst kind of reaction. My purpose here is to share my own experience with three sets of elderly relatives, as things went pretty well with each of them.
First of all:
I believe the key is to recognize that an LPA is an alien concept, unknown and threatening. To make it as easy as possible to understand, and therefore less frightening, I chose to explain LPAs in an analogy with something which is already understood and considered beneficial:
Insurance.
I explained – by way of everyday ‘family news’ – that my husband and I recently took out LPAs for ourselves, for the following reasons. We chose our kids as our Attorneys, as people we can trust and who have our best interests at heart.
Next: my husband likens the LPAs to insurance.
“Just as you have insurance to drive on the road, as protection against accidents, an LPA protects you from some unwelcome event. Insurance doesn’t make an accident happen, but it has a huge benefit if anything does happen. The insurance policy steps in to pick up the tab to pay for damage and get you back on the road again.
“Once the form is filled in and signed, the LPA does nothing. Like insurance, the documents just lie there. Only if some unwelcome ill-health arrives, preventing you from fending for yourself for the moment, the LPA steps in, like insurance, to allow the people you trust to look after your affairs until you are recovered.
“Imagine an accident with no insurance: you have no control over what happens, and it could be disastrous for you and others. If health problems intervene in your life, and you have already said in your LPA who you would trust to help, things can proceed smoothly and you know they have your best interests at heart.”
I then repeat that ‘Car insurance does not cause a crash; it just makes it better afterwards’. Signing an LPA does not make anything happen, it is simply ensuring that the right people will be looking after you rather than leaving your affairs to random strangers – or to no-one.
In my next post I cover more LPA issues: things that aren’t in the manual.
More about Lasting Powers of Attorney (LPAs):
Today I am following up my note about LPAs, ‘How to reassure when setting up Lasting Powers of Attorney’. Here I am covering some common concerns and situations which are not dealt with much in the formal documents.
Parents:
Here you have to be the grown-up in the room. Not easy.
Note, I say ‘grown-up’, not ‘parent’. Acting like you know best, or even acting the way they treated you, is guaranteed to provoke resistance, as your parents react like resentful children. You need to be ahead of the game, concentrate on the form-filling and not on the goal, and stay calm (at least until you are back in the car!). If you feel yourself losing it, leave the room and walk it off for a minute or two. Put yourself in their place, they are quite possibly terrified about the future.
Couples:
If one parent is especially reluctant, then do not make an issue of it; avoid building up a standoff where pride is at stake. Instead, I would recommend making progress with the other, allowing them to set an example. I found that when one parent signs, the other may prefer not to feel left out.
Reluctance:
If there is no cooperation, then all you can do is simply pack up the documents, leave, and revisit the whole affair from scratch after a week or so. With couples this can allow them to settle things between themselves. After all, an LPA is a new idea, and adjustment takes time.
Memory Issues:
If there are some memory issues, you probably just need to pick your day, as every day is different with mild dementia. Make sure as far as possible that the person does understand, as you will have witnesses and a sponsor to ensure fair play.
Confusion:
It may be that you haveput offthe LPA thinguntil nature has intervened, and your loved one is already in a state of confusion, perhaps with mild memory problems. Do not panic. After a worrying hospital admission, especially with an infection causing confusion or delirium, most people make a miraculous recovery and there will yet be opportunities for a sensible conversation. Take heed, however, do not wait any longer, get the LPAs signed before it is too late.
Too Late:
With LPAs,too late is Too Late. Once a medical diagnosis of loss of mental capacity has been made, a valid LPA cannot be completed and signed. If one is completed and signed too late, it is potentially subject to challenge by any third party. In practice, challenge may be unlikely but your authority as an attorney rests on the legality of the LPA being completed correctly, and there is nothing worse (or more obvious) than trying to cover up mismanagement. So Don’t Delay.
Finance and Health LPAs: While there are separate LPAs for Finance and for Health, and these should be explained carefully once acceptance is achieved, I think it is important not to overcomplicate matters unless there are special family circumstances that need to be accommodated. Both LPAs can be filled out and signed together.